Sunday, May 27, 2012

Casting all my cares

At this moment in time I am "alone" in the house. As in the girls are home but in bed for the night. Alone time like this is rare and I find myself pacing around the house a bit. I am determined not to turn on the TV. Nothing wrong if I did it is just that I find myself often wishing I would spend my evenings doing something, getting something done. Read a book. Sew on a project that I have been passing by through out the day. But here I am not sure what to do with my time.

At this moment Paul is over at my brothers place helping him with his sound system and other electronic type stuff. He loves working on this type of stuff (though I believe at this time there is a frustration as it is not doing what he had hoped and he called here for me to find something which no longer lives in this house). But all that aside. He likes to help. He likes to use his mind to figure out problems to help others.

And so here I am Alone as I first said. It has given me some quiet time, time to reflect on life a bit. And you know what I have found? Life is good when I give it over to God. When I trust Him with my every day, with all that is thrown my way. And I am thankful for when more is thrown my way than I can handle on my own. That is when I go to Him. That is when I lay myself out before Him and "cast all my cares upon Him".

It is in times of crisis that I will lay myself bare before Him and let Him take over. I have some honesty here that is about to be laid bare.
I have been feeling a little overwhelmed for a while now. There is a very large venture that we took on at a time when we believed we were going to have a few months to work on it. We believed that Paul was going to have two months off last summer and this project would be long behind us by now. Then this happened sooner than we had planned and the project got shifted to after work hours and weekends.

(I am standing in the kitchen looking into the master bed room on the right and the living room/dining room on the left of the upstairs apartment. The main floor is all office space that is to be transformed into a second apartment. Tour to come.)

And so here we are, what feels to be giving every free minute to the building. A place I mention very little on here but you will find it more and more as the days go by. But back to what I was first saying. (Just started a bag of popcorn for myself, why not)

I find that these days I have been holding on firmly. Hoping to the ends of my strength that if I lived this next little while as best as I could I would control it, make it happen. It hit me like a wall, comes up slow but when it is there it hits hard. I have to give it over to God, I can't do this on my own strength. So I did, I said "God I give this over to you". You know what happened? Nothing!  I have been holding on for so long my fingers have atrophied in a mind numbing grip. Clenched in fists pressed tight against my chest. I can't even give this over to Him. I need Him to muscle my muddy claws off of the selfish control and take over.

That's it. That is where I am and there is not a whole lot more to say about it. I hold on for fear that if I let this go... if I let this go then....well, that's just it. What then? I don't have an answer for you.

So there you have it. A little bit of truth. The mask comes away for a minute and you know something real. As I type this all out I ask myself. Is this going to just be one of those posts that I never publish? Will I lay a small portion of the ugly truth out there for all to see? If you're reading this and you do not live in this house you will know my answer. Just another side to this New Life.

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