Friday, September 24, 2010

The days of Autumn

This is a day. A day to sit and watch as my little girl plays with a string of fake beads, draping them all on her legs and watching how they fall to the floor. This is a day to get out and enjoy the sun. Cause I am doing a poor job of it lately and I don't like that. I wonder how a day can go by and all I have managed is a small amount of house work, a nap, and maybe a few books read to Suzie. It's like a cold. After only one day of being sick you start to ask yourself, "is this the way I always feel, is this all I have ever managed to do". Not remembering that it was only yesterday you had the world by the tail and you managed to fling it around a couple of times.

A first trimester of pregnancy is like this. The continuous feeling of not having had enough sleep. The feeling of sickness to the stomach making you wonder if you ever felt normal. And it is more than just a day, it is more than a week. By the end you are convinced that indeed you have never felt better. You will need a nap every day for the rest of your life. You really will never function as a complete human again. And that time when you managed to get so much done in a day, that was all a dream. So instead you find small things to do. Things that allow you some sense of accomplishment without to much work. And you allow this wonder of being pregnant to take over you and you enjoy it. It is indeed a forced lay back, a forced quiet, so why not take hold of it and let it sink in to the deep parts of your being.

Put on some Elmo videos for your daughter on the laptop and watch her make this face till it is turned off. And than listen as she asks for more "elmno" videos and love the way she says it. And don't correct her yet cause there are years where she will say it right but short time when she will say it wrong.

Take pictures of her as she runs around the house totally destroying the organisation you struggle to keep anymore cause you just don't know if it is worth the energy. So embrace it.

Watch her special way of dancing to the "mucgits" (her way of saying music)

Enjoy the way she juts out her chin in just that way that looks just like her Grama Wendy when Grama Wendy makes that face.

Enjoy the fact that she is starting to tease you when you take her picture with the most "wonderful" poses.

She knows how to fake it just like the rest of us. And why not, how many pictures were "destroyed" by both mom and Grama Debbi.

And then when the sun finely shines after what seems like weeks, no maybe even months, of rain, take her out to eternal springs with her new used mukluks that actually fit. The first pair that were in her size that we could find, she is a tiny little lady.

And then when you are at the spring let her stand in the water cause you finely do have those boots and so now you can finely allow it without worry of cold feet. Just cold hands but that is what it is to be a kid. Running your hands so cold you can't seem to feel them anymore and you still can't stop playing cause it is way too much fun.

Then she makes this face that comes out so rarely but when it does you know that there is a quiet contentedness that can hardly be matched and that is worth all the muddy boots and cold hands. Then you know you did it. You brought joy to a small little heart and you got to see it show itself on her face and it makes you want to cry for joy yourself, cause isn't this what life is all about?

Watch her wonderful technique of balance as she picks up pebbles from that cold water. You know that she is actually doing it more for the fun of the feeling than the need to balance and that makes you feel like a kid for a minute. You remember moving your body in exaggerated motions cause it felt fun and you had the energy to move your body ten thousand times more than necessary, just cause.

Thanks Suzie, thanks for loving life even when your mom is tired. Thank you for taking joy in all the world around you in your own way. Thank you for not fitting into the text books, and doing it all your own way. And chances are you do fit into some text books but I don't even care. I like you, the little person you are and the way you show it.

And lastly watch as the Easter lily you planted sometime after Easter blooms in the fall bringing a bit of spring to the fall colors, being amazed at the fact that it has not shown a single sign of the frost that came a few weeks back. The blooms as fresh as the beginning of the summer. I love fall. I love that this plant is blooming by our house when all the leaves are turning orange and the nights are becoming wonderfully cool. Ahh yes those gloriously cool nights that make it possible for this early pregnant body to sleep, cause for some reason the night is like a switch turning on the furnace that is built somewhere in the depths of my being. Even if I am cold all day long. Night is burning hot in this body that is building a baby. Yay for building a bab

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