Last week, the 14th

Last week there was this day that the calender tells us we need to show love to the ones we love. I have struggled with this day for years. It seems when I was with someone I wanted them to fulfill the obligations set before them by the calender. When they didn't or at least not to my expectations I was hurt. Thankfully I was not in many relationships before Paul. But the sad part is that it had passed on into my marriage.


I knew that I should not feel this way. I know that I should not expect something cause of a silly calender date. The past years I have fought the hurt. This year there was a break through.


This year I was and am thankful for the family I have. I am blessed with a man that shows me love in his own way, not stooping to any social conventions.


And this year I really believed it. I knew it in my heart. It was not just a head thought that I had to fight when he "didn't come through" with the flowers, chocolate, cards, date......


Instead I made him an apple pie, his most favorite. And I made it because I love him. Yeah I want to do things for him at any time because I love him but I still wanted to do something special. So I did. And I did not expect anything in return.


When he was a little later than expected I wondered if he had indeed gone out to get something for me.


When he came home there were donuts. I knew that this was for our family, this was not a romantic gesture and I was cool with that. I didn't feel hurt or disappointed. In fact I was happy. Happy he was home and that he had bought donuts. He asked if it was okay that the donuts trumped the pie for our girls. And of course I was. I was happy that it meant more pie for my man.


The evening was spent with the girls and my love. It was quiet and simple. It was peaceful. Paul studied and I did what I do most evenings. Just life things.




And then I cleaned out his lunch bag. There it was. His token of love. A note written out for me. He talked on how he had tried. He had stood in the Valentine isle with the intent but a few things caught his attention.


1: The shelves were pretty near cleared.
2: There were many a desperate looking man standing in line saying these words in their heads "Oh Shit! I forgot" He knew this cause he can read body language better than I can.
3: This day is totally over marketed and over done all for the corporate and he just couldn't be a part of it.


4: The poor little stuffed bear holding the limp rose could never say what he wanted to say.

And the rest of the letter was him saying it. In his own words telling me why he loves me. Telling me that he would do it again, today, marry me. Maybe not in those words but his heart was on paper and my tears of joy spilled forth.

I am so proud of my man. He works hard to show his love to us and I could not have asked for a better man. In fact I didn't know what I was turning down all those years ago. I thank God that Paul waited for me and loved me always.




I am a blessed woman.


I am a loved woman. I could never put into words the truth of it. In his arms I am loved.

P.S. I did the girls hair all pretty for when Paul got home but it was only five minutes after the pictures were taken and the hair was every where. I knew it would be so but it was fun for the moment.

Travel the world, get your mind off marriage

This kind of worked.

I was determined to let go of my desperate desire to marry and hoped that if I took to the air and over seas that this might just work. I would love to say that I totally forgot my longings but that would not be the truth. While in the belly of a boat between Estonia and Sweden, all alone and rocking through the night I turned 21. I was in the middle of the biggest adventure of my life and I was still disappointing that I was alone. I wanted to share my road with the one that I would share my life with. But I could not. I had not yet realized that he was back home and in love with me. I had not yet given in to him.

Much happened on this six month journey. I met many people and traveled many places but that is not what this story is about. It is about what happened when I got home. I came home in a new shape. I was a little blacker and a little rougher around the edges and softer in the middle.

I looked different but my heart had stayed true to form. I only wanted to love and to be loved. And I hate to admit that most of my life I kind of resembled "the ugly one" in this episode of teen girl squad. There is one line in there that, if I had spoken the truth, would have been my line through out my teens and long into my twenties.

But here's the thing. I had never been on a date. And there he was in the back ground of my life, adoring me from a distance. When I had been home from my travels for a bit my oldest brother suggested that I give him a chance.

"Angie, He's a great guy, Go out with him. Give it a try."

And so he asked me out at the end of our lane in the dark night under the stars.

A picture taken in South Africa. I think I looked like this a lot of the time.



Me and my two main buddies while in South Africa. I knew a lot of people on this trip but I think while with them I was the most free to be me.


This is one of the first "boys" I did not have a crush on or wonder or care if he had one on me. I just liked hanging out with him and as you can see he kind of influenced my style. He was like a younger brother.


Here I am back home.


And then I did this. This is the main reason I got the dreads in the first place. I had always wanted to try this and I figured if I totally destroyed my hair I would have no option but to remove it in one fowl swoop. And so remove I did.


And this is how I looked when Paul Asked me out for my first ever real date.

Moving out Part 3

Sheesh! I said something about telling our story but this is going to start looking like I am going on a tangent. A rabbit trail if you will. It turns out though that this is our story. And it is my side of the story so you have to hear about bits of my life that do not include him. I hope this is okay with you but I think all these bits and pieces make up some of the important information on how we actually ended up together.

Moving out happened cause I panicked. I was 19, on the itty bitty edge of 20. All I ever wanted was to get married and for some reason at the age of 15 I created this thought that if I was not married before my 20s then I was destined for old maid-ism. I can't really explain this thought. All I can decipher is that having my parents tell me that they were wed at 18 and 19 and then my older brother following suit I guess I just assumed that was the age to do it. After that it was too late. (yes I will admit a bit of crazy sheltered thought, I seem to be a bit of an extremist and I have been known to assume some crazy things. Like 20 being to old to marry, Yeesh!)

So there was a boy I liked who was living in Winnipeg so I followed him. Crazy right? I told you. I don't even know if he knew anything about my liking him. But a panicked mind is not a logical one. So I lived in a city pretty much by myself with very little contact with people I knew. And those I did know were merely consequential. I knew of them and hung out with them a bit but so very little that I was pretty nearly swallowed whole by the loneliness.

I lived in a very cold room in the same apartment with a boy. Yup, good Christian girl living with a boy. Oh he wasn't my crush, just a friend of a friend. Here's the thing. We never crossed paths. I left my rent on his desk and when I did move out he only knew because I left a note with my last payment. I mean I was lonely. And it was crazy.

Then my cousin took me in. Her and her family set me up in the furnace room of their suburban home. This was to be one of the turning points in my life. It was a great year. I learned so much and from there headed out to some great adventures. I still had some skewed logic to contend with but that still seems to be something I have to be reminded of. Logic is not my strong suite.

Next up, world travel.....


(These pictures were taken around the time that this story took place. It was on a driving trip that I took with my mom to BC)

Five

Today, that is where we are, Five years of marriage.
Some days it seems like it has always been, like we have always been married and always had kids. I know when I look at the dates and ages, how many years have really passed of course I know it has not been always. But here's the thing. I like this feeling. I like the "always been" feeling. It means it has come to feel natural. It is the way it was always meant to be.

I have started out on a journey of telling "our story" and though I had hoped to finish before today I realize that I never can. As I tell our story we continue to live it as well. All our past intermingles to bring us here. And here is only a space in time and soon it will be our past, part of our story. And so I will bring you through the day when both our pasts came together and joined into one.

The day we wed.
I've kind of done this once before but I did not really go into details of the day. Just a few pics and that is what I left you with. Today I hope to share a bit of why things were the way they were.

December 16 2007
This was a simple wedding for we are a simple couple. We are not into over doing it when it comes to celebrations. We are thankful for what it all means but are a little more down to earth when it comes to something like this.

on the phone with my future husband while riding into the "big city" with my parents.


Getting my hair done by my future sister in law.




Putting this dress on for real. This is the time he sees me in it. This is the day I marry the man of my dreams.


I wore a necklace and earrings that were my moms moms.


I got ready at a cousins home so that I would not have to drive the 45 minutes while wearing the whole get up.


Seeing each other for the first time. We chose to do the photos before the ceremony so that there would be no wait for the guests between that and the reception. Our first sight was in front of very few audience which was so good for my man who is a private sort.




And then we were off to an old building in town for our photos. We did not have a wedding party cause I was afraid I wouldn't know where to end. I have too many friends that I would have wanted to stand up with me and again we wanted small and simple. My logical husband suggested this very simple solution to my problem.






Just a sweet little flower girl to lead the way down the aisle.




My Uncle married us. He was also the pastor of the church we grew up in. If you will remember here I hint at the fact that we grew up in the same church.


(the church we got married in is not the one we grew up going to but instead was the one where I had many choir concerts while in my younger years.)


As a great gift one of my brothers drove us to our reception. This is one of my husbands best friends and while growing up he was my worst enemy. Things have changed since those times and our friendship has only increased from all the hardship.


(you like my seal skin boots? it gets cold here in Manitoba.)


What I wore while indoors.


The reception was held in the very small town hall that housed the church where we grew up. It was busy and fun and I hardly ate a thing cause there were to many to see and love. It was such fun and I would say the only thing that I would do differently is to have the day go by a little slower.


And just as our story is so full of many details so was the day we wed. I still have not touched on every bit that took place but how can you. Some memories come up only while sitting and visiting about it. If you want to know more you will have to just ask. Till then just know that it really was only one day that started us on a new journey together and that is what mattered most in the end.

Where do we go from here, part 2

In this post I tell how I was informed at an early age that a young boy, even younger than me had already planned for our future together. The funny thing is when I ask that boys older self if he really talked about marrying me in the future he seems to think he might have mentioned it once. When I think about it though and what he says now I can't imagine it was only once.

K, So I was 13. I had crushes. There were boys I thought were cute, sure. But for some reason this bit of information frightened me. I wanted a boy to like me but the minute I heard that this one particular boy was saying things like this I froze. He wasn't the one I was crushing on. I admit I really, hardly noticed him. (don't worry he knows all this already, He was kind of there).

So let me see, how can I move us through the next nine years quickly but still fill in a bit of information? Boy liked me, I thought him a bit gawky but was intrigued by the attention. I can't say he payed any real obvious attention to me. He spent time with my brothers but they were his best friends even before he was attracted to me. I just had a little voice running circles in the back of my mind any time I saw him. "this boy thinks he likes me, this boy says he want's to marry me, it is said that this boy notices me"

And here is something else. The first time those words hit my ears I believed it. But I didn't want to. I thought it weird that I would believe it. What gave him the right to decide this future for me? And I was selfish. I wanted to write my own future. Choose the man, the journey I would take and so I tried.

For years I "ignored" the voice and tried to ignore the boy who grew into a young man. But you can't ignore someone who is always thinking of you. Even if the pursuit seems quiet and unobtrusive.  There was always a bit of a nagging sensation in the back of my mind. And so I fought it for many years.

Next up. Moving out and traveling a bit.


My three younger brothers and mom.


My older brother and I


My youngest brother watching me pretend to kiss a fish.

P.S. I am not at all going to accomplish my original goal. I had thought I would put up our little story and have it done before our anniversary this coming Sunday but that is far from where I am right now. Also I am discovering so many things I am wanting to add to our story that I think what I might have to do is start to separate them. My story and our story though the two intermingle so often. It is hard to know what exactly to do here. So I guess you will have to follow along for the ride and see where it takes us. Hope you're having fun so far.

Where it all began

Okay fine this is not really the beginning but this is where I first learned of it. So let me see if I can fill in the blanks. I have hinted off and on that there is a bit of a story behind how The Man and I came to the place we are now but I have not filled in the gaps as of yet. I guess I hesitate because it is a long one and there are parts of the truth that I might not really like to share but if I am honest about the whole thing I wouldn't have it any other way. Here we go.

20 years ago a young girl skated up to me at the local roller rink to inform me that her brother said he was going to marry me one day. Let's see if I can conger up the conversation exactly so as to get a clear picture of what this might have looked like.

To start off let's set the atmosphere a bit. Just listen to this while you read on and maybe you will get a better sense of the scene going down at Wheelies.

Me in some form of overalls, an over sized neon colored shirt or maybe if we're lucky we can pretend it is a hand made dress. But chances are we're not that lucky. Think 1993 home schooled and you might just see me. Big, clunky roller skates in a darkish roller rink surrounded by all the people I knew from church with some really good music rockin' it out.  And the ever present disco ball that sparkled and flashed lights all around the rink. The heavy weight of those skates keeping my young feet tethered to the ground as I glide round and round. Never thinking that my life would forever change in a moment.

K, so that's me, then this little girl, maybe eight, super cute. Actually she's an easy one to conjure up, just imagine my Suzie-Kim a few years older then put her in the same era of clothing and you've got it. She's cute and blond and doesn't know what kind of confused she is about to create.

Cute eight year old "My brother says he's going to marry you one day"

1993 Home school me..........Blank stare.

That's it.